Collection of Crackfics
by evil-catgirl
Summary: You haven't read Ice Age like this before ;)
1. Too much information, Diego

Diego sat next to his partner and tried to collect himself one last time. What he wants to tell her is not easy for him. Not even his best friends knew about it and together they have endured some tough things.

"So my childhood was really beautiful." The male saber tooth turned away from the light so that his face was in the shadow.

"Nice for you." Shira couldn't think of anything else.

"Then one day this charismatic and well-built saber-toothed tiger named Soto came up to me and asked 'Do you want to join us?' And I was stupid and said, of course. I was also in my rebellious phase. I now wish I hadn't done this."

"You didn't know better and I know what group pressure can do to you." She tried to comfort him.

"Yes, two years ago I was just inexperienced. Mommy and Daddy were very sad when I left the cave at 38. They even threw gift stones after me."

"Exactly, you... Wait?! We are four years together." Remarked the silver-haired tigress thoughtfully.

"And in the beginning I thought it was so great to be a bad saber tooth. Soto and I were the best buddies. For nights we giggled and exchanged stories and shared some loot. The others were always jealous when we did bad stuff alone. But for what price? For what price, Shira?!" Diego asked desperately.

"I dont know. Stop shaking me!"

"We did such bad things. I hardly dare to tell them. We trampled on daisies when the tender and young things had hardly bloomed. We stole old winter stocks of nuts from some rodents and exchanged them for fresh stuff. I will never forget those cruel screams we listened to. 'Oh, the stuff is much better than I remember' and 'It also tastes better'. Shira these things haunt me in my dreams. I know it was wrong, but it always gave me the state of euphoria. But somehow I miss them a little. I miss..Soto. Sotoooo!" He threw himself dramatically on the floor. Suddenly a saber tooth joined them.

"Well, what's going on here?" Diego's ex inquired. So his ex-pack leader. Of course, they had no intimate relationship or anything.

"Oh by my soft fur! Soto, is it really you?" He couldn't believe his worsening eyes.

"Yes, I came back and it was only because of you." Soto explained with a loving grin.

"Why can I partially see your bones?" Diego noticed new details on the other, while his wife wallowed unsanitary in their winter supply. Diego didn't think it was very nice that she was also lying on his shell pile. But first he took care of their guest.

"I'm a zombie now, so my kisses will taste a little like rotten meat. Problem with that?" Asked the deceased pack leader with hope in his pale and dead eyes.

"Not in the slightest." He couldn't help but grin sheepishly and walk closer to Soto. It was so long ago.

* * *

Three animals observed the rather unsightly behavior of Diego, who was anything but himself right now.

"So how long... let's say he's licking the stone?" Manny wanted to know, because the worried saber-toothed tigress had called him for safety.

"He came here and said he wanted to explain something to me. After that, he only spoke vaguely." Shira described the events.

"Ewww..uhm. He probably thinks you are the oddly shaped rock." Sid tried to do his part because he had come here too, otherwise he would have had to clean up at home.

"Oh, Soto..." Diego moaned more than audibly.

"We would have answered this question then." Shira said and thought it over, but did not say anything.

"Then that's your fault, Sid." The mammoth announced, because he knew better.

"What? Why always me?" The sloth asked and pulled his paws off his butt where he was just scratching himself.

"Because you absolutely had to make your special marinade on the grilled fish." Manny reminded his buddy and he knew beforehand that it smelled funny.

"Hey, that's Grandma's favorite recipe! She always uses it if... Oh!" Sid must have thought of something.

"Sid!" With this, a trunk hit a head again.

"Sorry Shira. Maybe your saber tooth is a tiny bit... well ... high." The lazy animal whispered when he realized what his grandmother was doing.

"Oh no thing, Sid. If that's just that, then you don't need to worry about him. It's probably his first trip, they're all a little strange there." The tigress took it easy.

"You know your way around there?" Because Manny was irritated.

"Naturally. Gutt kept taking seaweed in and I always secretly branched something off. What do you think why I'm always so calm all day long? I always get something here from Buck. The stuff grows best in the warm Dino area." Shira said and also thought about taking something in. But afterwards her boyfriend vomits up in the cave if she is not careful and she will not lick it up herself.

"I thought you had a relationship." Sid let his thoughts out.

"Rule number one, you don't do anything with your dealer." She explained clearly, because the pirate captain did so and often only got the mixed material for the same full price. Also you shouldn't be high when you deal.

"Ok, no further questions. Or at all." Manny decided to leave the cave again and thought that the way to here was in vain.


	2. Overdone

"You can't be serious?" The female mammoth shook her head because she thought she was slowly getting out of the exercise.

"No no. It has to come across better. More drama." She encouraged herself.

"You can't be serious about this? After all these years you have forgotten it again?!" That sounded better in her opinion.

"Ma, are you playing that game again?" Suddenly someone asked behind Ellie and she rolled her eyes at it.

"If you are married as long as I am, then you have to come up with things to keep the marriage alive."

"Last week it was really funny when I told him I was married to Buddy and Ethan. Crazy, as if I would want such losers." The younger one chattered on and the mother thought her part to it, because Julian is not exactly the best piece of the pie in her opinion, but that Peaches can still find out this for himself.

"Actually you wanted to go on a world tour or something with your husband after the ceremony. Even so, I still see you lounging around here every day. So I ask myself, why." The older woman inquired wisely and looked at her daughter urgently.

"That .. That is none of your business!" It came almost uncertainly from the peach-colored mammoth.

"Interesting. Do you have a dirty secret?" Ellie asked with a grin, because she always loved gossip.

"Um .. Here comes Dad. Well, I'll leave you two married ones in love alone." With that, the younger one quickly left. The mammoth mother looked after it thoughtfully, because she wanted to find out the hidden matter. But she had time to do that later, because she always got everything out. Besides, her husband was really trudging near the clearing. But he didn't come here to her at all.

"If he wants to get out of my way again, I'll tell him something." She marched up to the guy fast, just to tell him that he had forgotten an important day in her life. Again. She has chosen her wedding anniversary and birthday too often lately. Maybe she should start making up things. But when she stood in the way of her husband, he said nothing, but tried to pass her silently. She jumped in front of his feet again, because that's not how things went here. But this time Manfred tried to avoid in the other direction. He stepped to the left side, she also stepped there and did the same again with the other left one, where she just couldn't think of the word for now.

"What is that supposed to be?" She wanted to find out a little annoyed, because she had absolutely no desire for these stubborn moments.

"What should be what?! I'm trying to go this way and you are blocking my way here." The male mammoth explained, confused.

"How so? Do you want to ignore me?"

"Sorry, but that's how you do it. Someone comes towards you on the path and you politely avoid them."

"Don't talk stupid things, Manny! Do you want to get drunk with your buddies again and that on our wedding day?!" Dramatically, she held her trunk, in which a piece of onion was hidden, close to her eyes. Not too close, because she was crying all day the last time and looked very ugly. She probably got a cold too, because she didn't even smell them anymore.

"Um, are you ok, madam? You seem a little confused." It came still calm from her counterpart, but of course it annoyed her.

"Madam? I always was, but now it's over. How can you treat me, your wife, like that?" Played sad, she wanted to turn around to do a little scene.

"I think that's just a misunderstanding. Maybe I look a little like your husband and you are confusing me now." Yes, Manfred still seemed relaxed and carefree. Had she pushed it too far and now her husband had completely lost his mind.

"Your name is Manny, abbreviation of Manfred?"

"Yup, that's me." He agreed with a small nod.

"And I'm Ellie, your wife." When she mentioned that, he looked a little shocked and took more than one step back from her.

"Ok, it was nice to talk to you." Said the bigger mammoth and tried to avoid eye contact while it backed away carefully.

"What is this nonsense?!" The lady here didn't just let him get away and cut him off. Manfred hastily jumped away from her. Of course, she tried to follow him, which quickly turned into a chase.

"Please leave me alone!" The guy called, almost frightened.

"Just stop so I can talk to you!" Ellie really didn't understand this reaction. Nor did she understand how her husband can be so fit. Otherwise he always got out of breath fast with other things. The other day he was only supposed to get the hard-to-reach places with the old sloth's teeth. That brushes the fur really well.

"Help! The fugitive shouted several times loudly and suddenly someone answered when they came near the home of the yoga-obsessed girl.

"What's going on here?" Then came out the said animal with curly hair, that was too long for her taste.

"Buttercup, I know that you should get these herbs for you, but this confused woman will not leave me alone." Manny hid behind the sloth that had just joined them and the mammoth mother thought she should wash her ears more often because it sounded like her husband was wasting nicknames on another woman. He never called her buttercup.

"Everything's fine, my big cuddly bundle of joy. Best go back to our love cave. Finally, you have to rest a little from last night. I'll take care of this." Brooke actually calmed her husband down and even dared to give him a kiss on the trunk. Then the female mammoth looked red with jealousy, because she couldn't exactly say whether her husband was home last night.

"Sorry, what's this crap here?" She snapped at the sly sloth woman.

"Are you really sure that you can handle the madwoman alone?" Manfred called, but was no longer visible.

"Yes, of course." It was answered affectionately, but Brooke is already grinning maliciously in her direction.

"The crap here is your own fault." The sloth explained in a good mood, as if they were chatting about great news.

"What does that mean now?" Because the mammoth mother had no perspective here.

"If you hadn't played this little game too often and in such a way that everyone noticed, then others wouldn't play along. But you yell around while 'acting' that you can even hear that on the other side of the water." The smaller one made ironic paw signs in the air when certain words were spoken.

"That is by no means a reason that you are allowed to snatch husbands?" Ellie complained, because what she did with her husband was probably her business.

"I didn't even have to move much for it. He practically ran into my arms on the beach last night. So confused and lonely I couldn't just leave him there and took him home with me. A mammoth like that keeps you really warm at night." Brooke said enthusiastically.

"You have your own guy for stuff like that! Let Manny go again immediately!"

"Honey, I'm not married to him. He can go whenever he wants. Well, it looks like you drove your husband into the lap of another woman on your own." That sounded slightly vulgar and the obscene gestures, the smaller animal could really have saved. Ellie couldn't think of anything and trudged off, offended. Because what should she do? To rebel against the stupid woman and lure Manfred out again? If he gets angry, she had a tough time. She had no choice but to wait for clarity in her mammoth's memory.

Really great, she thought, annoyed, because it looked like she was allowed to clean their sleeping place today. Wait, where is Julian, this good for nothing? If her daughter is around, he can't be far either. Her brothers haven't done the dirty work since she was with Manny. Mammoth dung. What do you have a family for if no one does the work for you?What's next? Should she also do the stuff of other animals? She certainly won't let it get that far here.


End file.
